Troy (R)

 

By M. Chad Durham

If you’re into watching buff, taught, steroid-laden pecs, delts, quads, tris, abs, and oft-naked bums preen and priss about the screen like some kind of Donatella Versace Greco-Roman boy-toy fashion nightmare, then “Troy” is the flick for you. Otherwise, utter disappointment waits on all fronts. Purists will hate this deviation from Homer’s classic along with anybody else that might be fond of good story-telling, fine acting, and stunning direction because this film is void of them all. To make matters worse I really could have used some Cliff Notes just to follow this lackluster hack-job otherwise known as an adapted screenplay. Astonishing really, considering I didn’t even need them when we read “The Iliad” in high school. Nor did it ever occur to me then that “The Iliad” was an epic 2½-hour gay joke. I guess I just don’t read that much into poetry, which would account for the “C” I garnered in that stupid poetry class I took in college.

And now for a moment of lamentation…

Brad Pitt. Wherever did you go? Where is the Pitt of “Se7en”, huh? The Pitt of “Seven Years in Tibet?” What happened to that guy who really could act? That’s the guy I paid money to see, not this prima ballerina prancing around like Richard Simmons on Valium in desperate need of a few dozen Prozac. No doubt Achilles was arrogant and vain but certainly not more so than Mr. Pitt is about his own looks in this film. Leastwise, that’s how it comes across on screen and I guess I’d be proud too if my body looked as good as his but from the opening sequence it is clear that his aerobicized booty is the star of this film, not Pitt the actor and therein lies the shame. Is Diane Kruger’s face capable of launching a thousand ships? Doubtful, but who would know because Pitt’s cuts and rips somehow warrant more exposure than her blessed face?

Paris is portrayed as such a wimp by Orlando Bloom, I had hard time believing one of the most beautiful woman to ever live would even look his way much less love him enough to cause one of the greatest wars the world has ever known. But I must admit Bloom as Paris was brilliant typecasting. Who better to shoot Achilles in the Achilles with an arrow? (See “Lord of The Rings” Et. Al.) His choice to employee a hitch instead of just flowing from shot to shot from his bow was a brilliant choice, subtly different but readily apparent to any expert on Middle Earth lore.

The sarcasm is dripping freely from my keyboard…

Searching for something positive to say here…

Oh! Peter O’ Toole had one really good scene with Pitt and Eric Bana did an excellent job as Hector.

See, I can be a nice guy. Now back to all that went wrong in “Troy”

The battle scenes in “Troy” might be CGI-candy, but the cutaways are annoying and they kind of defy reality. I seriously doubt there were as many people involved in this battle as there were spliced onto film. If not for all the almost-naked, somewhat-naked, and nearly naked bodies, I’d never have guessed this film was rated R. The MPAA claims this film was rated R for graphic violence, but maybe I was sleeping through that part of the film. The battle sequences (most of them anyway) are almost PG-13 in nature. Every time a soldier goes in for the kill, the movie cuts away. Not as much gore as we’ve come to expect from a wartime epoch and I look at it this way, if you’re going to make a rated R movie, you might as well make a Rated R movie. (I.e. The Passion, Saving Private Ryan, etc.) Instead, “Troy” looks like a PG-13 teenybopper flick with a little skin gratuitously tossed in for good measure. I guess this film was targeted at adults, but it just doesn’t seem that way when you’re watching it.

This week I’ll be kind and give “Troy” a CATV rating. No need to hire a sitter at all, just wait until after the kids go to bed catch it for free on cable twelve months from now.

This copyrighted article was originally published in Grace-Centered Magazine - A daily publication for Christians that examines tradition and aspects of living the Christian life.